Making the Leap to Dreaming

Ever since I was a child I had dreamed of being one of three things...an artist, a lawyer or a writer. I think the lawyer bit came in because I was sick of things being UNFAIR when I was a kid. As an adult, my mind is always hovering between why and why not...I'm a Libra, so I really fit my horoscope for this. I also enjoyed problem solving. And I was a horrific perfectionist. I've tempered that a bit. But as a child....I was plain scary. Everything had to be perfect...which is probably why being an "artist" got squeezed out of me - I was never courageous enough to take that big leap and not be self-aware. I made a better crafter, making things that had purpose that were beautiful (soap, ceramics, cooking).

But as I grew, and grew up, into the adult I am today I had lost that hold on believing in a dream. I had plenty of goals. But a dream? I had let go of that long ago - so long ago I'm not sure when (although I have my sneaking suspicions but even I don't like to go there). And so when a coworker left work to pursue her dream, I suddenly found myself bubbling with envy. I was so happy and excited for her. But it made me realize: What was my dream? Was I going to work the rest of my life in the career I have with a job I do enjoy...but hate the politics, the being at the mercy of budget cuts, the routine. Hmm. It was at that time that Jon Konrath and Amanda Hocking's success with epublishing came to my attention.

And while I have no expectation of getting to that level, I can dream of being a writer again. Being a writer is so much more than just the story. It's about it fitting with who I am. I am free when I am writing just for me in that moment. And later, yes, I dream of success. But I also think of my novel, plotting and characters. Endless possibilities created through my hard work and imagination now feels possible again.

Oddly, what I have noticed....is that I am dreaming while I sleep again. Amazing, bizarre, frantic, wonderful dreams. And that is so exciting because for a long times it has just been anxiety dreams of work or white noise.